Saturday, March 24, 2012

DisneyWorld: The Super Unofficial Guide

We just got back from Disneyworld and while I have loads of cute pictures and anecdotes to share, I feel obligated to pass on some tips that you won't find in any of the Disney guidebooks.

1. If you do not like other people's children, you should probably skip Disneyworld. If other people's children annoy you, or you are put off by being bumped into while standing in line, then you should probably skip Disneyworld. If you are generally a cranky, glass-half-empty kind of person, you should probably skip Disneyworld. Please. Do it for the rest of us.

2. If you are at all claustrophobic, do not go to Disneyworld on spring break.

3. If your child thinks that "Dumbo" is pronounced "Dumpo," please make her say it 1,000 times a day while you are at Magic Kingdom because it is the cutest thing ever.

4. If your child is being hassled by some kids in the pool at your hotel, do not come screaming down to the lazy river and create a big commotion. Your kid would probably rather fend for himself rather than watch you recreate a scene from Jersey Shore. Especially after you said that the only thing southerners are good for is growing corn. Also, please brush up on your agriculture knowledge if you intend to insult an entire demographic of people. We do not grow corn in the South. Soybeans? Yes. Cotton? Yes. Rice? Yes. Corn? Um, not so much.

5. If you ride the Dinosaur ride at Animal Kingdom, please note that it may traumatize your five year old. Your three year old, however, will likely be unfazed.

6. If your child's favorite thing about Disneyworld was playing at the park at EPCOT, do not point out that you could've just gone to the park at home and saved a few grand.

7. If your child is fairly newly potty-trained and has an aversion to automatic flushers, good luck.

8. If your three year old falls asleep while you are waiting for the shuttle back to your hotel, she will weigh twice as much as she did when she was awake.

9. If you accidentally choose Portuguese as your language on the Spaceship Earth ride at EPCOT, the ride will take approximately 45 minutes.

10. If your child loves Mickey Mouse and was so excited to see his house, she will be very sad to find out his house is gone forever and she will be worried about where Mickey will sleep now (Note: Cinderella's castle is NOT an acceptable option because that is where Cinderella and the other princesses sleep, I can't even believe you would suggest that).

11. If you find yourself humming "It's a Small World," it is time to go home.